bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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