I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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