He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
