hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
