Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
