: south campus drug res life name erik. Love, tran
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
