cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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