Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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