my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
