I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
