I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
