I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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