I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
