i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
