You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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