If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize