I want to have your abortion
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
