He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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