remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
