threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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