I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
