I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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