omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
