how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
