if you like me you must not know who I am
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
