true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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