Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
