he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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