He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
