she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
