I wanna passion pit in your ass
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
vagina is talking i cant
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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