if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
