Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
