i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
