note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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