Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
