Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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