I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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