All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
