We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she told me i tasted like america
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize