you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The beer is more important than you right now.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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