Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
