we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
