I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
