I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
