I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
