just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
you never un-have a 4some
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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