my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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