Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he fucked my hip out of place.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
