Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
