i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize