The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
