being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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