My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize