My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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