i just wanna soil my oats bro
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
