So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
