His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize