can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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