You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize