i permit you to call me
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
